She opened up her third bottle of wine of the night.

Jessica with her two bottles of very expensive red wine.

Jessica drank a lot. However, if you were to ask why, she would correct you.

“No, I do not!” she would spit out at you if you dared to point out that drinking one or two bottles of wine a night was a lot. “If you look at all the literature and especially religious literature, it’s nearly on every single page. They drank, she drank, he drank, there it is, go look for it. So, all I’m doing is carrying on that tradition.”
“But Jessica,” I pleaded with her on our second date. I was trying desperately to go on another date with her, but when the waitress brought over the second bottle I found it quite difficult. Even the waitress had to bite her tongue when she came out with the second bottle of cabernet.

It wasn’t the cost, though that was a factor especially when I was paying, it was that I was afraid that when she stood up I would have to be ready to catch her when she most definitely would fall over. “Yes, Jessica, I understand that they drink a lot in literature but that’s not real life.”
“Are you telling me that the books of my religion aren’t real life? Are you telling me that chopping an evil doer’s head and impaling it on a stick isn’t true life? Now please don’t do that to me. That’s the sort of stuff that really made me do everything in life straight down the line. I certainly don’t want my head chopped off and put on a stick.”

Was that a hiccup I heard? Nah, it can’t be. Well, at least I hoped it wasn’t. Jessica was on a roll and she continued. She even continued when the waitress returned with our meal. Yes, she actually did drink two bottles of wine before we had dinner.

One when she finished her dozen oysters and the other while she nibbled on my dozen oysters. “Jesscia, I don’t think either your or my religious texts said that they drank two bottles of wine in one evening.”

But Jessica wasn’t going to have any of it. She was adamant and that was that. A third date was now completely out of the question. How could I possibly take her back to my parents’ home next Sunday, when they have their annual summer give away party. And the gifts they give away are bottles of wine from their vineyard! Jessica would probably claim them all. “Hello mummy, hello daddy, this is Jessica. You can see how much she drinks. Did I make a mistake bringing her?”
“Hello sonny, hello Peter, yes you did make a mistake there’s nothing worse than a girl who drinks especially more than she weighs.” I cringed.

“Anything wrong?” asked Jessica as she gulped her last dregs of wine and oh no, she was looking around for the waitress. Oh no was she really going to order another bottle?” The waitress came over. I could tell by the look on her face she was going into shock.

“Yes, can I help you?” she asked while taking in a deep breath.

“Do you have Pepsi or Coke here?”

The relief on her face lit up the room. It was then that I noticed the people around us had been watching us and smiled with relief. “Coke,” replied the waitress.

“Oh dear,” replied Jessica and the room dimmed. “I only drink Pepsi.”
“I can run out next door to the pizzeria,” shouted someone from across the floor, “I’m sure they have Pepsi.” Jessica smiled and the man shot out of his chair and was gone in an instant, returning a minute later with some Pepsi, “here you are,” he shouted to the relief of everyone and they applauded him.

Jessica thanked the man and then turned to me, oh my goodness she’s swaying. How can we possibly get up after dinner without her falling. I panicked. Jessica kept eating and then when she was done, oh my goodness where does she put it all. Two bottles of wine with her oysters, my oysters and a complete steak and kidney pie and she only weighed about 120, if that. I held my breath as she dabbed the corners of her mouth. I dreaded what came next. The waitress, a much relieved waitress came over.

“Dessert or coffee for either of you?” Please say yes to dessert I sent her the message subliminally and she received it.

“How about some crème Brulé?”

“How about some brandy?” added the waitress and screamed silently. I don’t believe she asked that question. The room was in panic. Everyone was about to bolt waiting for Jessica to say yes please and when she smiled they were already on the edge of their seat.

“No, thank you,” she said, “I think I’ve had enough for tonight.”
Yes! Yes! Yes! they all punched the air and Jessica thought what a lovely crowd. “We must come here again,” she said out loudly and I squeaked, “maybe someday.”

“Good!” she replied and then leaned over a gave me a kiss. Every man in that room became instantly jealous with some wives smacking them for the look of envy they had in their eyes. I melted. “Why don’t we go back to your place?” she whispered loudly enough for everyone in every room of the multi room restaurant to hear her question. My spirits soared. Every man’s spirits crashed and then we stood up and the room held its breath. But no, she stood up straight. She did not buckle. She did not reach out for assistance and then she made my day. She cleared her throat and addressed the crowded rooms.

“Thank you everyone,” she said with a beautiful smile. “I’m going home now with this handsome man,” and she pointed to me and I beamed from ear to ear, “and I’m going to make him the happiest man in the world.” I couldn’t believe I could beam so wide and I could read the minds of everyone that night.

“Lucky you,” they said, “what a lucky, lucky, man he is,” and then the room fell apart when Jessica who by then had slipped from her side of the table and had her arm around my waist.

“You do have wine at home don’t you, darling?” And I screamed. No, not silently, but aloud. She was actually going to open her third bottle of wine that night. And the men in the room roared with applause. What a lucky man, lucky, lucky man you are, and I suddenly felt as if I was the unluckiest man of them all.