I received a heavy fine, but it failed to crush my spirits!

My friend John and I on the deck of my house at 7am. The sun was just rising.

My best friend John and I had been sitting on my deck for the last 5 hours drinking and staring out at the forest that surrounded my property. Why we drank may become evident during this story, but please don’t chastise yourself if it doesn’t. You have to know us to love us, as someone other than Shakespeare reportedly said.

We had begun the morning around 9 when the two of us had woken up. John had spent the night at my place because he was in no condition to drive and his wife who had offered to drive, couldn’t get him into the car. I tried as did my wife. He was so full of alcohol that as we tried to lift him, I could actually hear the liquor slosh in his stomach and as soon as we had him in the car he slid out onto the ground.

My wife had one of her wonderful ideas. “Once he’s in,” she told me, “hold him there and then I’ll put the seat belt on him and then Jane can drive off.” The only problem was that Jane began to drive off before we had a chance to close the door. We had to shout after her to get her to stop before the car reached the speed bump in our driveway. The idea for that is another story. But had they reached that and the car went over it, then it would’ve spelled the end of John. As it was, when we unclipped the seat belt he slid out onto the driveway and now the right side of his face doesn’t need to be shaved for quite a while.

The decision was then made to leave him on the driveway. There was no way he could stand and no one was strong enough to carry him, so he could sleep there. It was a very warm day and besides some bugs crawling into his ears if he snored, and he didn’t suffer an ignominious death under the feet of an elephant all would be well.

So, the next morning I woke up with a giant headache and walked out on to my deck trying to shield my eyes from the strong early morning sun with what I thought was my mug of coffee in my hand. But it turned out to be a bottle of dishwashing detergent because I had mixed the two up on the counter. Note to self and everyone else, it doesn’t taste good.

I eventually walked back in only to be faced by my irate wife who held the coffee mug in her hand.  I noticed that quite a bit was gone, so I chastised her for drinking my coffee. To which she replied, “no I didn’t. I thought it was the dish detergent!” No need for a reply. I thanked her and walked back out shielding my eyes again, but this time with the hand that was carrying the mug of coffee. Of course that didn’t end well. I finally sat down on my favourite deck chair nursing my now empty mug of coffee. I hoped my wife would take pity on me and bring me another, but she had never done so in 25 years of marriage, so why should she change now.

About half an hour later with the sun now above the tree line, the door creaked open and when I turned with a large smile hoping it was my wife, it was instead John holding two mugs of coffee. One for me and one for him. I was so pleased at his selflessness until he croaked good morning and then added before I thanked him for the mug of coffee. “This is a two mug coffee day.” I slid down in my chair and closed my eyes.

“How did you get indoors?” I finally asked him, when I was fed up with his uncouth way of drinking coffee.

“When Janet opened the door to let the dog out.”

“Oh,” I said, “so when you saw the dog you thought it was your cue to get up and walk indoors.”
“No,” he replied, “your dog doesn’t know the difference between a human and a fire hydrant.”
“Good dog!” I said rather loudly, “I must give him a treat.”
“I think Janet already gave him half the box.”
“Oh, that’s so nice of her to leave me the other half in order to thank him.”

The next few hours were a blur. I remember John asking me if I had ever tried scotch in coffee and I had replied no, you put Baileys Irish cream in coffee and not scotch, and that went on for a while until we decided to test our theories.

The sun by now was on the other side of the house and I do distinctly remember Janet saying something about tomorrow being a workday but that was about it. The stars were up now and with shaky limbs we began pointing at the various galaxies both real and imagined and giving them names. No, not real names, but names like Comanche and Raiders of the Lost Ark and the last one I remember was Spirt in the Sky. After that, all bets were off.

The next morning being Monday, I woke up on the deck alone. Believe it or not, Janet came on to the deck with a mug of coffee and instead of her usual greeting of good morning darling she said you’re late for work. I was alone. “Where’s John?” I asked, my unsteady hand grabbing the mug of coffee before she changed her mind. She didn’t answer. Janet turned and went back inside. I gulped the scorching hot coffee shrieking in pain a couple of times as the hot liquid kept burning my throat and then ran in orders, bumping into a couple of things one of which was sharp but I have no idea what it was. However, in about half an hour I was running out of the door to the garage.

“Do you think you should put clothes on?” Janet asked and I just replied.

“You’re blind, I’m dressed,” and I was gone. On my way to work people stared at me. I thought at first it was my brand new Harley Davidson, but after I got stopped by the police, I realised it wasn’t the brand new Harley that was drawing the attention.

“How much have you had to drink sir?” the police officer asked.

“Today or yesterday, or in fact the day before?” I replied. He didn’t like that answer. The bottom line is that the judge who I knew from high school went easy on me.

“James,” he said, “I could give you prison time because you were so drunk that the meter couldn’t register the amount of alcohol in your blood. But instead, I’m going to fine you heavily because I pity your wife Janet who has to live with you.”
I thanked him as my wife escorted me out of the courthouse and put me in the passenger seat of her car. She got in and glared at me. I smiled, “thank you honey,” I said, “at least I received a heavy fine, but it has failed to crush my spirits.”
She didn’t appreciate my sense of humour.