The waitress was not amused when he ordered green eggs and ham

As far back as I can remember, on the first Saturday of every month, right throughout the year, John and I went to the Lazy Daisy Diner on Upton Street, which was about 2 miles from where we both grew up. It didn’t matter if it rained, snowed, or if there was a typhoon, we just knew we would we had to show up at exactly 8am on those Saturdays.

Our favourite waitress, Evelyn, was always there to greet us. It was as if she knew we would be there and dammit, so would she. Evelyn was a character, as was everyone who worked there or frequented the diner, regardless of the time of day. I guess they thought that John and I fitted in very well with the other characters, that either worked or frequented the diner.

“Good morning!” Evelyn would sing as she stood by the door waiting for us to walk in. “Anywhere?” John would ask.

“Anywhere, your sweet heart desires,” she would reply. Then, the two of us would walk down the narrow aisles between the booths until we turned left into the main dining room. There we went for the first open booth we saw. All this time, Evelyn who followed us would stop at the coffee station, fill two mugs with coffee and continue to follow us to our table. As soon as we sat down, the coffee was plonked in front of us and then Evelyn in a well oiled routine would ask, “same as always?” to which both John and I would reply, “yes, please. The same as always.”

However, on this particular Saturday, as we walked down the aisle with Evelyn following us, she stopped at the coffee station and then picked up again following us until we sat down. John unbeknownst to us was thinking up something different. Neither Evelyn nor I were prepared for what came next.

As we sat down, Evelyn plonked the coffee unceremoniously on the table in front of us, and then said in old warn out routine, “same as always?” to which I answered, “yes,” and John answered, “no.”

Well, you should’ve seen the look on Evelyn’s face. At first, she wasn’t sure what to say or do because that had never occurred before. As she began her walk back to the kitchen, it suddenly dawned on her that John had said no and so, she stopped. With her back still to us it seemed that her brain was finally kicking in and she realised that all things were not perfect in her little world.

A second or so later, she turned and headed back to our table. She looked at me first, because I do believe she wasn’t sure who it was who had changed their mind. She took a deep breath, forced a smile, let the air out in a slow low hiss and asked, “same as always?” to which I replied in my usual upbeat manner, “yes please.” To Evelyn that meant one of two things. Either she heard incorrectly or, it was John who had uttered those unfamiliar words. She had to test her theories. But how, was the question. She could ask, same as always and then wait for John to answer either yes or no. Evelyn stood there for what seemed to be an awfully long time before she looked at John who in turn was staring up at her with his eyes wide open, a large smile on his face waiting for Evelyn to ask the question.

“And how about for you?” she asked holding her breath.

“No,” he replied slowly and deliberately, “no, I don’t want what I always have. I actually want to make a change this time.”

Poor Evelyn. You could see her brain beginning to smoke. No, this was not supposed to happen today. She looked forward to the two of us coming in because it would be easy. She would ask, we would say yes, she would come back two and half times, John always had one more mug of coffee than me, the clear the table while we kept talking, present us with our bills we paid separately, then we got up went over to the cashier where we paid leaving her a large tip each.

Evelyn wasn’t quite sure what was coming next. Neither did I. “Ok,” replied Evelyn believing things couldn’t really be that bad, “what would you like today?”

John smiled. He took a sip of his coffee without putting cream or sugar in it which made Evelyn realise that something’s never change, and then he put down his mug, smiled at Evelyn and said, “today, I would like green eggs and ham.”

I sat there with my mouth open, not quite sure where we were going from there. “Out of it,” she replied and I was actually very impressed with her answer. It hadn’t taken her more than a second to connect all her brain synapses to come up with that answer.

“Out of what?” asked John who felt he had been thrown for a loop.

“Out of green eggs. Oh no, I’m sorry we do have green eggs, but we don’t have green ham. We’re out of it.”

You could tell from the way Evelyn began talking she was not amused when he ordered green eggs and ham. “No,” replied John, “I don’t want green ham with my green eggs. Just regular ham will be fine.”

No, Evelyn wasn’t having any of it. “John,” she said patiently. “When you usually get eggs and ham, I don’t bring you green ham. I bring you regular ham and so it is when you order green eggs you also get green ham.”

At first, John wasn’t sure what to do, but knowing him for the length of time I did, I knew the best was yet to come. “Do you have any green tomatoes?” he asked.

“No, sorry, we’re out of those. But,” she added quickly, “we do have red eggs and red ham. If you would like I can get you red eggs and red ham and red tomatoes. Would you like that?” No, John would not like that. “I want green eggs and ham.”

Because Evelyn spent so much time at our table, the owner who also double as the cook, became concerned. He knew we were the easiest customers she would have today and so, he asked someone to take over from him and he walked out to us. We knew him well. As he wiped his hands on his apron, he smiled, “good morning gentlemen. Is there a problem?” “My friend wants green eggs and ham,” I replied, hoping that my interjection would end the standoff.

“Sure, absolutely,” he replied, “I just got a new order of green eggs and green ham this morning.” Evelyn looked at him a little confused. The owner took her by the elbow and walked her into the kitchen area. “Don’t worry about that guy,” he said to her, “I’ll make the eggs and ham, then you pour some green Tabasco over them. That’ll teach him.”

That was also the last time John went to the diner, because his mouth was on fire when we left an hour or so later. As for me, I was back there by myself the first Saturday of the following month. I went through the usual routine, but this time instead of John coming with me the owner Jeff sat and had breakfast with me because after all, the three of us were in school together.