I really want to go to work, but I am too sick to drive!

“Have you ever been driven anywhere by my wife?” I asked my friend John, as we both sat on a couch in my house. He shook his head. I know he hadn’t, “and you know how I know you haven’t, because you’re here and not in some burial ground!”

John looked at me as if I had ten heads. “It’s true. Why do you think I’m still here? We made an agreement when we got married some months ago, that she wouldn’t drive me anywhere. Even if I’ve had a stroke or heart attack and I’m laying on the floor dying, she’s got to call an ambulance and not try to drive me to the hospital. I’d rather die on the floor than in an awful accident I would have to read about in the newspaper.”

My friend caught my slip up. But knowing that it was one of hundreds of slip ups I’ve made in my life, he let it in one ear and out the other. It wasn’t worth trying to correct me. “Hasn’t Juliet ever driven you anywhere?”

“Yes once.” I replied, “and that’s why I won’t let her drive me anywhere again.”

“But see, you’re still alive. So that must account for something?”

“Barely,” I replied. “The one and only time I allowed her to drive me anywhere, was when she wanted to go to Mac Donald’s for dinner. Yuck for starters. And then she asked me to accompany her so she didn’t feel lonely. Yes, of course I did. We were still dating and I would’ve done anything for her. Now is a different matter. Anyway, she said I’ll drive and that’s where it all began. First of all, she backs out of her parents’ driveway and hits a car travelling on the road. I just smiled, but my teeth were chattering and it was in the middle of the summer. Then she blocks the entire road because she couldn’t remember if she needed to turn left or right to go to Mac Donald’s. Yes, I know, I should’ve got out right there and then but again, I was trying to be nice. Now in addition to my teeth chattering, I needed to go to the bathroom badly, but I just crossed my legs. The traffic was honking at her and you know what she did? Of course you don’t know what she did you weren’t there. She put her finger up at them. I nearly called off the relationship right there and then, because I recognised a couple in one of the cars and they saw me as well. I know that because a month or so later they asked me if that was me and of course, I said no. What else was I going to say? Anyway, finally she decided on which way to go and so she floored the accelerator nearly hitting a couple of people on electric bikes.” I hesitated for a second. “She should’ve hit them. Those things are a menace but anyway, we finally got to Mac Donald’s, and they have two drive through lanes and she sits in one and then decides it’s going too slowly, so without looking she swerved into the other lane nearly hitting an old woman in her car. The woman, I saw her cross her several times believing she was about to meet her maker but thank goodness that didn’t happen. Then after she ordered her dinner, we pulled up and then she realised she had forgotten to order fries and so guess what? No, she doesn’t back up. She puts the car in park, gets out and runs back to the ordering booth. A guy there was ready to order, and she butts in, doesn’t excuse herself and adds fries to her meal and then runs back to the car, gets in and goes to the window, where she had to pay before going to the final window where she picks up her food. The woman sitting there had obviously been warned about this maniac and her hands and voice were trembling when she told Juliet how much it was going to be. It was then she realised she had forgotten her wallet at home and was about to put the car in park again, run across the parking lot to the nearby bank when I pulled her back into the car and paid for her food!”

By this time, my friend was beginning to shake as he was reliving the experience with me. He drank his milk as fast as he could and ran to the kitchen to fill up, while I took a deep breath. There was more to come.

“Then we drive up to the window to get her food and that person is shaking as well. She had in such a short period of time gained an incredible reputation. No wonder they banned her from the drive through for eternity.” I raised my finger as my friend thought we had come to the end, but I continued.

“Then after she got her food, she dropped her coke on the ground and waited for a refill. After that she swerved to the right and took the door off a car that had parked in the parking lot as a man was getting out. And guess what? No, you can’t guess, you weren’t there. She didn’t even say I’m sorry to the guy who fell on the ground still holding his car door.” I shook my head.

“Expensive meal,” my friend smiled picking up his glass of milk with both hands in order not to spill any.

“So,” I continued, “she’s certainly not ever going to drive me anywhere and even though I’m sick today, I’m staying home. I’d love to go to work. I love my job. I really want to go to work, but I am too sick to drive! And I’m certainly not going to get Juliet to drive me.”

“Why don’t you call an Uber?” my friend asked.

“Gosh!” I replied, “I never thought about that. I was so wound up by my getting sick, I’m hardly ever sick, that I never thought of that as a solution. Thanks guy, you can finish the carton of milk if you like.”

My friend smiled and then raised his finger, “but before you go upstairs to get ready to go to work, I have a question. Why did you marry her?”

“Oh,” I replied sitting back down, “Juliet is an incredible cook. You should come by sometime and try her beef broth. By the way, thanks for the advice on calling an Uber. I’ll do that tomorrow.”

My friend excused himself and went into the kitchen to retrieve the carton of milk.