Fluffy pink unicorns are a popular status symbol among macho men

“Dammit! Where’s Misty?”

“No idea, your Excellency. The last time I saw him he was going to the bathroom behind that bush,” replied Rudy pointing to a bush in the distance that appeared to be on fire.

“I hope not,” said Moshe King of the Vikings, “because it’s on fire.”

“Oh no, your Excellency. It’s not on fire. It just appears to be because of the way the sun’s rays are dancing on it.”

Moshe looked at Rudy and shook his head. “I damn well know the difference between a burning bush and a bush that appears to be burning, and that bush over there is burning. So please don’t question me. Go over there and see if Misty is behind it.”

Rudy bowed low. He knew that the king of the fearsome Vikings liked his subjects, especially his army commanders, to bow low to him. It seemed to make everything ok. And it did again.

Rudy took off his chain mail suit, laid down his sword and shield and walked gingerly over to the bush. When he was a few feet away, he realised that as he approached the bush, his face was getting hotter and yes, indeed the bush was on fire. “It’s on fire!” he shouted back to Moshe who thanked him and then motioned to him to see if the person of interest was indeed still behind the bush. Rudy slowed his pace and walked closer and closer until the crackling coming from the fire could not only be seen, but smelled.

He began his walk around the bush and then shouted to Olaf. “He’s still here.”

“Ok. Well tell him to come out, we’re going to leave soon.”

“I can’t,” shouted Rudy while putting his hands up to protect his face from the flames.

“Why not?” asked Moshe rolling his eyes and then he turned to another one of his generals, “where do I find these people? Can’t we get some real men in the army anymore. This guy’s a wimp.”

“He’s fried!” shouted Rudy.

“Who’s fried?” asked Moshe and Rudy shook his head.

‘Every time we get a new king, he’s more stupid than the last.’ “Misty is. Misty is fried. I could ask him to come out but he wouldn’t be able to.”

Moshe rolled his eyes, “I guess I have to do everything myself,” and with that he handed his general his sword and shield. “You know what they say, when you want to have something done correctly you’ve got to do it yourself.”

And then with all the vigour of a man in his 90s, he began taking powerful strides to where Rudy was standing. When he got there, he looked at the situation and then turned to face Rudy. “I guess you’re right. Ok, let’s go, that’s the end of Misty. I wonder how that happened.” And the two men walked back to the rest of the group who stood watching the events unfold.

“It’s those cheap cigarettes,” someone in the little group said.

“What cheap cigarettes?” asked Moshe when the two men arrived back with the group. By then, the fire which had engulfed both Misty and the bush was beginning to go out. Misty’s body could now be clearly seen.

“Those cheap cigarettes. The ones the Indians in Greenland were smoking when we were last there.”

“Oh those, I think they called them Pink Unicorns. Well, what about them?”

“I told him not to smoke them because up in Greenland it was barren and nothing could catch fire you know, like in bushes, but of course Misty always wanted to be different. So, I guess he must’ve taken some and was smoking one of them when he was crapping behind the bush.”

“Oh, don’t be so rude!” replied Moshe. “Be more respectful of the dead.”

“I’m sorry, your Excellency, but I was asked how that happened and that’s how that happened.”

“Has anyone got any of those cheap cigarettes?” As soon as he finished his last word a bunch of hands appeared with packs of cigarettes in them. Moshe shook his head. “Rudy, take down my order. No more cigarette smoking when you’re behind the bush going to the bathroom.”

“Any cigarette your Excellency?” He was asked by one of his minions.

“No,” he replied, “strike that order. It only applies to the Pink Unicorn cigarettes. Others can be smoked.”

“What’s the difference between them and the others?” someone asked.

“The Pink Unicorn cigarettes have sulphur in them, while the others don’t and so they burn much faster. So, when the time comes for you to wipe yourself, you have to put the cigarette down. It then lights the bush and poof up in smoke you go. Or in Misty’s case flames,” and they all began to laugh.

“Please take another order from me,” said Moshe once everyone had stopped laughing, “in future,” he began and then paused for a second, then smiled yes he said to himself, “in future, only macho men can smoke Pink Unicorns.” He smiled evilly, “that means nobody can, because none of my men are macho.”

Solomon, the other Jewish Viking who was in charge of all things written, raised his hand, “I just cleaned it up a little because it really didn’t make much sense. How does this sound. Fluffy Pink Unicorns are a popular status symbol among macho men.” Moshe thought for a second. “Nah Solomon, doesn’t work. Does it?” that to the collection of men around him.

“No, your Excellency,” they all shouted in unison, “what you said first is better. Only if you’re a macho man can you smoke a fluffy Pink Unicorns.”

“But,” began Solomon, “that’s not really what he originally said. He didn’t use the word fluffy.”

“Yes, I did,” responded Moshe indignantly, and everyone around him agreed.

“Oh ok,” Solomon replied beginning to walk away. “You know hundreds of years from now there will be two versions of history, mine and there’s. Mine makes sense and their’s doesn’t.”

Moshe overheard what Solomon said but chose to ignore him. “Where to next?” he asked. “Africa!” shouted Solomon and Moshe threw a spear at him but missed.