Everyone says they love nature until they realise how dangerous she can be.

Every seat in the house was filled. Not only that, but there wasn’t any standing room either. The place was so packed that a fire marshal who happened to be in the crowd, clapped his hands and told people they had to leave at least the centre aisle open.

As he was doing that, someone sat in his seat and refused to move when asked to. “There isn’t any assigned seating,” the man, a small impish looking loser, who knew he probably needed to leave soon before the fire marshal a man of considerable heft with a frame of 6 foot 8 inches sat on him. He oozed out of the seat and slid along the floor disappearing through a connecting door which he soon found led to the boiler room. A scream a few seconds later brought smiles to the fire marshal’s face.

“Oops!” he said baring his badly kept teeth with breath to match, which the man next to him barfed once he got downwind of the fumes. But before anymore could be said, the lights dimmed, the stage lit up and music from Also Sprach Zarathustra blared from the oversized speakers brought into the church just for that occasion.

Once the drum roll faded away, the audience was left feeling jittery, a man of very little consequence walked onto the stage raising his hands as if to quell the outburst of clapping when there wasn’t any and then stopped right before he fell off the stage. He then let out a loud sigh amplified by the oversized speakers that had been brought it just for that occasion. He moved the microphone from his right hand to his left hand and raised it to his face as if to shield his eyes. The same thought rippled through the crowd, ‘who’s this deadbeat?’

Then sensing that he was about to be thrown to the wolves, he smiled and said calmly, “Dave will be here in a minute. I’m not used to doing this sort of thing, but I was asked to come out and tell you that because Dave right now is trying to get out of his car, through the window because as he was about to park a tree fell on it. The fire brigade is there,” which when the fire marshal heard that he turned to the man on his left, who immediately held his breath and put a handkerchief over his face to prevent from being overwhelmed again by the fumes from the fire marshal’s mouth.

“Oh shit! I’m supposed to be out there helping,” and then he sat back and finished his sentence which freaked the man on his left. “They can do it without me.”

The man of no consequence continued, “Anyway the car is smashed. It’s a large oak tree but there’s just enough room for Dave to crawl out. Unfortunately, the man who should’ve been there helping with the jaws of life took the day off. So, they’ll get Dave out, but he might be scratched up a little.”

The man on the left was going to turn and talk to the fire marshal believing he was the man with the jaws of life, but knew it meant engaging him in conversation which could be dangerous to his health. So, he looked straight forward. The man on the stage continued with his stupidity. He didn’t disappoint. “Everyone says they love nature until they realise how dangerous she can be.”

The fire marshal looked strangely at the guy next to him and was about to speak, when an announcement came over the loudspeaker drowning out the idiot on the stage. “Will fire marshal Joseph Stalin please report to the car park. Your truck with the jaws of life in the trunk is parked illegally.”

Everyone looked around for Joseph Stalin including the fire marshal, who didn’t want people to think that it was because of him that Dave wasn’t on stage, giving his electrifying speech about getting lost in the Sahara Desert on a camel with no name.

“That’s you, isn’t it?” the man on the left said at first quietly, hoping the marshal would get the hint and leave, but he didn’t. Instead, he just pointed to himself and shook his head.

An announcement was made again, “will the real Joseph Stalin please stand up.”

By the time the man on his left sat quietly deciding whether he wanted to have his 15 minutes of fame, or fade into the background as he normally did in such events. But he decided it was now or never. So, he jumped up and said pointing to the fire marshal, “here!” The problem was that in the faint glow of a couple of vapes being illegally smoked in the church, everyone saw him and not his pointing.

Suddenly, there was a rush and the man on the left of the fire Marshal got swept up and the next thing he knew he was being carried outside, even though he protested as loudly and as energetically as he could, everyone felt they had the right man. Once outside, they dumped him by the fire marshal’s truck which was pointed out to them by some firemen, who stood around watching Dave lose consciousness occasionally. Then one of them walked over to Dave and smacked him saying, “wake up Dave. Help is on the way.”

The smack caused Dave to take a sudden deep breath which brought him much pain, because his ribs had collapsed. As soon as the man who was sitting to the left of the fire marshal found himself near a truck he had never seen is his life he said meekly, “that’s not my car. I have a solar powered Prius.”

Then everyone looked at each other and scratched their heads. “I thought you said you were Joseph Stalin.”

“No,” the man tried to explain, “I was pointing to the real Joseph Stalin, but you wouldn’t listen to me.”

Then another fireman walked up to the crowd after smacking Dave and watching the colour return to his cheeks said with much difficulty, because of the tobacco he was chewing, “that’s not the fire marshal. This guy’s 2 feet 11. The fire marshal, the real Joseph Stalin, is 6 foot 8.” He then unfortunately coughed, spraying everyone within listening distance with a stream of yellow and brown stain which hit most in the chest, except for the fake Joseph Stalin who got hit in the mouth. He subsequently began vomiting uncontrollably, “why me?” he blurted out once everyone had left looking for the real Joseph Stalin.

He felt someone pat him on his back as he was stooped over at that moment. He looked up with drool still dripping from his lips and tears flowing freely from his blood shot eyes. It was the creep from the stage. He smiled at the man who was sitting to the left of the fire marshal. “See,” he said slyly, “there was a reason why your wife Henry told you not to come here today. Maybe you’ll listen to her next time. Life’s a bitch.” He began whistling as he walked away he then stopped, turned and added, “and so is nature.”