“Darling, the love of my life, the only reason I remain alive,” Lucas looked at his wife Mia strangely. He didn’t have to say anything the look said everything. “My love,” Mia continued, “I know you’re a great author. Look at all the books you have had published and the short stories, oh my goodness! I don’t know where to start.”
Finally, Lucas who was standing at the sink preparing dinner, again looked at his wife as if she had gone bonkers as she sat in the family room sipping her tea. Mia had just returned from work and as always sat down with a mug of tea Lucas had made for her. She had her feet up on the table reading what her husband had written that day. Generally, Lucas wrote at least one short story a day, plus adding to his never ending book of whatever was on his mind. Mia had as always picked up his short stories first because they were generally humorous and filled with things taken from their everyday lives. But on this day, it was a little different.
“Well,” she continued on a roll, “my darling husband of 25 years, and not one day has there been where I have not wished we were not married, but this short story today. Well, let me put it this way. I’m not sure what you’ve written about is a good subject.”
“What do mean?” asked Lucas feeling insulted. “I thought it was one of the best stories I’ve ever written. If that’s your attitude, then you’ll never read another one of my stories before they are published ever again.”
“Lucas, Lucas, Lucas,” continued Mia feeling she had latched on to something and after a tough day at her law firm where she was the managing partner, she was most definitely enjoying it. “All I’m trying to do darling husband is to save you from the embarrassment of, nay not just the town or the borough or of the county for that matter, but of the entire country! After all, you have an image to maintain and if you publish this short story tomorrow, it might be the last short story you ever post.”
Lucas who by now had begun to believe he had made a serious error of judgement, even though he didn’t know what it was, turned off the tap, dried his hands and came and sat by his wife. He attempted unsuccessfully to take the paper away from Mia, but she was just too quick for him. “This,” she said, “calls for something stronger than tea darling. How about we have a gin and tonic?”
Now Lucas was really worried. “He couldn’t figure out what it was Mia was talking about. A gin and tonic, this was serious stuff. They never drank during the work week and certainly never a gin and tonic, if they did. Mia smiled and shooed him away ever so gently, but strongly enough to make him understand her desire to be drunk.
A few minutes later he came back with her gin and tonic. Mia looked at him with a degree of perplexity, “and you darling, love of my life, the only reason I’m living, where’s your gin and tonic?”
“I don’t want one,” he replied getting a little upset with her attitude.
“Darling,” she began.
“Don’t!” Lucas put up his hand. He had had enough. “Please Mia, your calling me darling and love of my life and such things is beginning to make me feel uneasy. You never call me those things, so please let me know what’s going on.”
“Ok,” she replied and took a long drink of her gin and tonic and raised her eyebrows after the first second or so. “Oh my! Rather strong isn’t it darling? Oops sorry, Lucas.”
Lucas who all this time had been debating whether he should just sit down again and listen to his wife or go back to the sink had his decision made for him, when she patted the seat next to her. Lucas sat down.
“Dinner will be a few minutes late,” he replied to which Mia just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
“I’m not sure I will be in any condition to eat after I finish this drink, so don’t worry.”
“Well, if it’s any consolation,” replied Lucas completely non plussed by what was transpiring, “I’m starving.”
“Oh, I’m sorry darling, oops Lucas. Let me tell you what I think is wrong with this short story.” And with that she put her drink down on the table and cleared her throat. “Allow me to read. I'll start with the title. Are you ready Lucas?”
“Yes, yes, please go on.”:
“How to kill a rabbi.” When she finished reading the title she stopped and looked at Lucas. All the colour from Lucas’ face had drained.
“Is that what I wrote?” he asked trembling slightly.
“Yes Lucas. Here take a look.”
“Oh my goodness!” he said out aloud “oh my goodness! I better call the newspaper immediately.”
“Tell me Lucas,” she asked calmly as she watched her husband go searching for his mobile phone. “What should the title read?”
“Rabbit, rabbits!” he shouted as he dialled the number of the newspaper. “Oh my goodness, I hope I’m not too late. It’s supposed to say how to kill a rabbit, not a rabbi.”
“Well I’m very glad to hear that,” replied Mia once again beginning to drink her gin and tonic. “I would hate to go to synagogue this Saturday and be asked by Rabbi Solomon why you want to kill a rabbi.”
“Hello Lawrence,” she heard Lucas say. “Hello Lawrence. The story I sent over to you today. It hasn’t gone through yet has it?”
“Oh,” replied Lawrence, “the one about killing a rabbi? No don’t worry. We read everything sent to us. So we did have a good laugh and in the fact the editor wanted to print it with that title but, in the end, after we had scrapped ourselves off the floor, we decided that that wouldn’t be a good idea. So, it was corrected and now reads rabbit instead of rabbi.”
“Thank goodness!” replied a very relieved Lucas, “thanks Lawrence, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Oh darling,” continued Lucas once he had placed his phone on the table, “the love of my life, the only reason I live; you tried to have one over on me, didn’t you?”
Mia smiled. Her eyes were blood shot. Her entire face flushed. “This gin and tonic,” she asked her words slurring slightly. “Did you forget to put any tonic in it?”
“No darling I didn’t. But I did make it extra strong because I had the feeling because we have been married so long that you were being evil, am I right?”
“Yes Lucas,” Mia hiccupped, “I was being evil. But you know me. I don’t mean half the things I say.”
“Hopefully that doesn’t apply in court darling, love of my life, and oh by the way, I made your favourite dinner tonight. Sorry you’re too drunk to have any.”
“Spaghetti with meatballs?” she asked knowing full well it wasn’t.
“Exactly!” replied Lucas, “come and see.”
“Sorry, can’t right now. I’d fall over if I get up. I’ll just take your word for it.”